Thomas Merton
by A1fictiongrl
Summary: This is about what Reid goes through after Maeve's death. Rated T just to be safe
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this new story of mine! I don't own Criminal Minds *sobbing uncontrollably* **** and all mistakes are my own. Enjoy!**

"_Thomas Merton…" _

"_Who's Thomas Merton? Who is he?!"_

"_He's the one thing you can't take from us."_

"_No." Diane pulled the trigger._

_And Reid watched his beloved Maeve fall into a pool of blood, already made by the woman that had killed her. _

Reid woke up with tears still wet on his cheeks.

It was always the same nightmare; only the nightmare had actually happened.

The memory of Maeve's death had haunted him for the past two weeks, rendering him unable to do much of anything except weep for the love he had lost.

Two weeks since Maeve's death.

Two weeks since he had cradled her dead body in his arms until the coroner had come to take her away.

Reid hadn't wanted to let her go.

In the end, Morgan had been the one to take Reid in his arms to allow the coroner access to the now lifeless body.

When Reid protested letting the paramedics check out his gunshot wound, J.J. had been the one to coax him into it.

Hotch had been there, telling the paramedics that Reid didn't need painkillers.

Rossi had then taken a seat next to Reid in the ambulance, offering his silent comfort.

Tears had streamed down Reid's face unchecked, even as a paramedic bandaged his arm, telling him it was only a graze.

The team had offered comfort, but he hadn't wanted any of it. He deserved to suffer.

When the paramedics had released him, Morgan had been the one to drive him home.

Morgan had offered to stay, but Reid had politely refused, all but shutting the door in his face.

Still now, the team kept calling and coming by his apartment, checking up on him.

He had refused to answer the phone, but, when J.J. and Garcia had come by; he knew they wouldn't leave until he had shown them some sign of life.

The perfect opportunity had come up when Garcia had said to knock twice if he was conscious.

He had knocked twice, and they had left.

That had been three days ago.

Reid got up off his bed, intending to get dressed for the day (or at least move to the couch) when he was hit with severe pain in his head.

He staggered and sat down on the edge of his bed.

_What is this?_

Reid hadn't had a headache in six months. Not since…

Pushing that thought away, he slowly stood up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.

He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face.

The headache wasn't going away.

Neither was the heartache.

**There it was! I hope you liked it :-) There will be more chapters to come…and reviews and PMs are appreciated! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the next chapter, ladies and…gentleman? I don't own Criminal Minds and all mistakes are my own. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2

Reid lay on the couch, immobile.

All the lights in his apartment were out, a cup of green tea sat on the coffee table, and Reid had a cold cloth on his head.

It wasn't helping.

His head was pounding like a bass drum.

He closed his eyes, trying to get some sleep, but every time he felt himself begin to drift off, he saw Maeve's death.

He saw her get shot, he saw her bleed out, and he cradled her dead body.

…And every single time, those eyes opened and she asked him why he didn't save her, why he didn't love her.

The headaches and the heartache he felt were beginning to blend together. He couldn't separate the symptoms.

He didn't know where one began and the other ended.

Reid whimpered. He missed Maeve so much it hurt to breathe.

He felt the ache deep in his chest and the pounding in his head, and all of sudden he just knew he was going to throw up.

He got up and made his way to the bathroom as quickly as possible, clutching the wall for support.

A few minutes later, he walked blindly into his bedroom and collapsed on his bed, breathing heavily.

"I miss you Maeve" he whispered.

He wished he could cry or do something. _Anything._

He hadn't been able to cry since Maeve's death. Not even at her funeral, what little he remembered of it.

J.J. had taken him, driving him home when it was over.

He hadn't gone to the grave site. He hadn't wanted those memories to haunt him too.

Reid pushed off the bed, trying to push away the memories of her funeral.

He went into the living room and turned on a lamp, just bright enough for him to see what he was doing.

He went to the bookshelf and went searching for the book Maeve had given him.

He pulled out one book after another. _No, no, where is it? The Narrative of John Smith by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Where is it?_

He couldn't find it. In desperation, he began pulling out books and throwing them on the floor.

_WHERE IS IT?!_

He eventually got tired and stepped over books to sit on the couch.

He curled in on himself and began rocking back and forth.

He remembered when he had gotten the book from Maeve. He had opened it and had found a quote from Thomas Merton inside.

"_Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone- We find it with one another._

_ -Thomas Merton_

Reid let out an animalistic cry; like a wolf that had lost a member of his pack.

He would never find that meaning. His true destiny had died with the woman that he was sure was the only one.

His only one.

***sniffles* So SAD! I hope you liked it! Reviews and PMs are awesomely appreciated!**

**Author Note: by the way, I borrowed the quote from Thomas Merton, it's not mine, even though it's awesome. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey all! I'm so sorry I haven't posted in a while! I've just been so busy…I know, I know, excuses excuses!**

**I don't own Criminal Minds, and all mistakes are my own.**

**Well here is the 3****rd**** chapter. I hope you enjoy it! **

Chapter 3

Day had become night, or night had become day; Reid couldn't be sure which it was.

His apartment remained dim; the only light coming from a small lamp.

Time had passed, he didn't know how much.

He was drowning in his grief, his pain, his guilt.

Through his haze, he thought he heard someone knock on the door.

Reid hoped whoever was at the door would go away, but the knocking continued.

"Reid, we know you're in there!"  
_  
Morgan. Great._

"Reid, J.J. and Garcia told us they stopped by" Hotch added.

"We can tell by the amount of baskets in front of your door" Morgan joked.

"Reid, we'd really like to see that you're alive in person" Hotch said.

"C'mon Reid. We haven't heard from you in a week, and a knock on the door isn't going to do it for us."

Reid groaned a little too loudly. He did not need this right now.

"Reid? Are you alright?" Hotch asked.

"Reid, if you don't open the door I'm going to use my key" Hotch stated firmly.

Reid knew he meant business, but he couldn't be bothered.

Only when he heard Hotch put his key into the lock did he get up off the couch and walk towards the door.

The door swung open as he reached it.

"Damn kid," Morgan muttered, "you look awful."

Reid just stared at him.

"I'm alive. Now please go away" Reid said hoarsely, his voice rusty from under-use.

"Yeah, like that's going to happen" Morgan said.

Reid shut the door on them.

Outside the door, Hotch turned to Morgan.

"I know you want to be here for him, but I don't think your approach is what he needs right now."

"…But Hotch…" Morgan began to protest.

"Morgan, right now, Reid isn't here. He's under this – this cloud of grief and guilt, and pain" Hotch said carefully, "an aggressive approach in not going to work."

"I know a lot more about what he's feeling right now. Let me talk to him" Hotch said softly.

Morgan nodded in agreement, turned to walk away, and then stopped. "Just – let me know how he's doing?" he asked.

Hotch nodded and Morgan left.

Hotch turned the doorknob and was a little disheartened to find that the door was unlocked.

Either Reid knew they wouldn't go away and left it unlocked for them or worse, didn't care enough to lock it.

Hotch opened the door and walked in, unprepared for what he saw.

Reid's living room floor was covered in books that looked like they had been thrown from the shelves and there were dirty dishes piled up in the sink (at least he wasn't starving himself).

Reid himself lay on the couch in his pajamas and a bathrobe, and it looked like he hadn't showered in a few days.

Hotch had never seen Reid this way.

He sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch and faced Reid.

"Reid."

Hotch waited until Reid looked at him before continuing.

"You can't keep going on like this."

Reid just looked at him.

"You have got to forgive yourself. Maeve wouldn't have wanted you to just give up on life like this."

Reid let out what sounded like a half-laugh.

"Well I wouldn't know what she would want, would I? She's dead" Reid said, his voice breaking.

He covered his eyes with his arm.

"Reid," Hotch said, shaking his shoulder.

"Reid, you can't do this. I know how you feel, believe me I do."

"When Haley died, the bottom dropped out of my world. I didn't feel like I could go on."

"…but you had Jack to think about," Reid interrupted, "I have no one. Maeve was it for me."

"There's no reason for me to li—to go on with my life."

Hotch knew what Reid meant to say. "That's not true, Reid. What about the team?" he asked.

He paused, before adding, "What about your mother, Reid?"  
"Who would pay for your mother's care, Reid? How do you think she would react if she never received another letter, another phone call, another visit from you?"

Now furious, he delivered one last blow. "How long do you think she would live, knowing that you were dead?"

Reid sucked in a breath. "How - how dare you say that!"

"It needed to be said, Reid" Hotch said calmly.

Reid sat up, and put his head in his hands. "I wasn't actually going to – I wasn't…"

"I hope not."

"I just – don't see the point anymore."

**Allllllrighty! Well, I hope you enjoyed and I semi-promise that I won't take as long to post the next chapter (okay, I promise I'll try). Reviews and PMs are appreciated!**


	4. Chapter 4

Thomas Merton ch.4

**SO SO SO SORRY about the delay in updating! I honestly just hit a brick wall and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for the next chapter. I don't own CM and all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!**

"_I just – don't see the point anymore."_

"Everyone I love, I lose."

"That's not true Reid," Hotch said, moving to sit next to Reid on the couch.

"Yes, it is" Reid whispered.

"My dad, Elle, Gideon," Reid stopped.

"Emily" he choked out.

"When Maeve came along, I hoped it would be different. I truly loved her."

"…but no, she was taken away from me too."

Reid pinched the bridge of his nose.

"It's my fault. I made them all leave, and I _killed her_. It's me, it's always been me. It's – I – made this happen" Reid forced out.

"Don't you see, Hotch?" Reid asked, looking at Hotch in the eye.

"I haven't been avoiding everyone just because I lost Maeve or because I feel responsible" he spoke clearly.

"I can't –" he broke off, clearing this throat, "I cannot lose anyone else, Hotch. I just _can't_."

"Reid, you're not going to lose us," Hotch said firmly.

"You don't know that. You can't promise me that nothing will happen. We've seen it happen. Every damn day we see it happen" Reid said angrily.

"Yes, Reid, we do see it happen every day. But that doesn't mean that we close ourselves off from everyone we care about."

"That's a pretty lonely existence, Reid" Hotch said calmly.

"And you don't think I'm lonely now?!" Reid shot back, "Oh, yeah, my life's just full of sunshine and rainbows right now!"

Hotch was taken aback at Reid's outburst.

"Reid, I didn't mean…"

"You don't know what it feels like to meet the woman you love on the day she dies. To never be able to tell her that you love her, to never be able to go on a date with her, or kiss her…"

Reid drew in a deep breath and continued. "Hotch, you knew Haley in high school. You got to be with her for a long time before she was taken from you. I only saw the woman I love, who I was sure I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, for one moment, less than an hour, before she was taken from me. And in that time, I did not say that I loved her, instead she had to watch me kiss another woman and tell her that I _didn't_ love her."

"Reid, you know she knew you weren't telling the truth. Di- her attacker even confirmed that you were lying. The last words Maeve uttered were about something _you shared._ Why would she say something like that if she thought you really didn't love her and want to be with her?" Hotch asked.

Reid didn't respond.

What Hotch said next broke his silence. "She loved you, Reid."

Reid exploded. "GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE!"

He kept on screaming as Hotch left, locking the door behind him.

He kept screaming through the neighbors' threats to call the cops, and through the blinding pain that meant his migraine had returned, only stopping when he lost his voice.

When he could no longer scream, Reid lay on the floor, (in the only clear space that books were not strewn in), curled up in a ball.

The pain of losing Maeve, of his raw throat, of the blinding migraine, was so great that the edges of Reid's vision turned grey.

Darkness came, and he welcomed it.

**So…Whatcha think? Tell me, tell me, tell me! **


	5. Chapter 5

**OH MY GOSH GUYS! I AM SO SORRY it's been so long! Work has just been crazy! The school I work at has been doing state testing and I have just been so exhausted and busy that I haven't had the time to update any of my stories! Please don't hate me!**

**I don't own CM and all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!**

Thomas Merton ch.5

Reid woke on the couch in his apartment, unaware of how he got there.

The last thing he remembered was screaming his voice raw and blacking out from the pain.

As he lay there, his teapot whistled, making him jolt. _He hadn't put the teapot on._

"Who-" His voice cracked and he tried again, clearing his throat. "Who's there?" he croaked.

Morgan came around the corner from the kitchen.

"Hey, glad you're awake" he said, walking over to the couch, "I was getting worried."

He set a coffee mug on the coffee table. "It's chamomile" he said, gesturing to the cup.

Reid sat up slowly and rested his head on the back of the couch. He barely got out a "thanks" from his abused throat before reaching for the tea. He took a sip and then looked at Morgan.

"How long-"

"Have I been here…?" Morgan asked, sitting at the end of the couch, "or how long were you out?"

"Both" Reid whispered.

"Well, I got here about two hours ago and found you passed out on the floor. As to how long you'd been out before that, I don't know."

"Why-" Reid began.

"Why I am here?" Morgan asked for him. Reid nodded.

"Hotch told me what happened when he tried to talk to you. I headed over here as soon as I could to see if you were all right. I was worried about you."

"Did you move me to the couch?" he asked, still whispering.

"Yeah." Morgan said, hesitating before he asked, "Reid, are you alright…physically?"

Reid looked at him in confusion.

"When I got here, I was at your apartment door when one of your neighbors opened up their door and told me that they had heard screaming coming from your apartment about an hour before. Then, when I found you, you were passed out on the floor. As in, I couldn't wake you up. I was this close to calling an ambulance, Reid. You scared the shit out of me."

"When I walked into your apartment and saw you on the floor, I- I thought…" Morgan cleared his throat, "I thought you were dead, Reid."

"So, I think I deserve an answer to my question. Are you alright?"

It was the look on Morgan's face: the hurt, concern, sadness, and the guilt, that had Reid giving in.

Trembling slightly, Reid shook his head no. "Not even- a little- bit" he managed to say before his voice cut out.

Clearing his throat repeatedly, and taking sips of his tea, Reid tried again.

"Ever since…Maeve's – death, I've been having migraines again. The remedies that she gave me before she… they don't work anymore…"

"…and…I- I can't sleep without seeing her…death. I haven't even been able to cry since she died."

Having said that, Reid set his cup down on the coffee table and grabbed handfuls of his hair, as if to rip them out, and rocked a little.

Morgan bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Oh, Reid…I'm – I am _so _sorry Reid."

He ignored the sudden tears that sprang to his eyes and continued on.

"I wish you could have had more time with her, Reid. You should have had all the time in the world. You didn't deserve this. _She _didn't deserve this."

Slowly, Morgan slid over until he was sitting next to him. "I'm sorry you weren't given that chance, Reid. You take as much time to grieve as you need. I'll be here."

At those words, it seemed that the dam broke.

Reid bent over and let out loud gut-wrenching sobs. Tears streamed down his face, unabated.

Morgan sat there, offering silent support as his own tears clouded his vision.

Morgan very much believed in soul-mates. Just as he believed that his father was his mother's soul-mate, he firmly believed that Maeve was Reid's.

And just as his mother had never found someone that she loved as much as his father, he believed that Reid would never trust someone as fully, or love someone as fully as he did Maeve.

She was his forever, and he had lost that.

And he didn't know if Reid would ever be the same again.

**So as I was writing this, the song "Fix You" by Coldplay was playing on my phone. It was so fitting, I almost started crying. No joke. This story is so **_**emotional. **_**I hope you liked this chapter, and as always, I appreciate reviews and PMs.**


	6. Chapter 6

**HEY GUYS! Here is the next chapter for Thomas Merton! I hope you enjoy and don't cry too much *hands over box of tissues. I don't own CM and all mistakes are mine. **

Chapter 6

Reid cried and mourned his loss for over an hour, the tears never seeming to abate.

When the river of his tears finally ran dry, Reid leaned against the back of the couch.

"Why are you here, Morgan?" Reid whispered.

A little surprised at Reid's question, Morgan waited a minute before answering, finally settling on the most basic- and most truthful answer.

"Because…you're my family Reid."

Reid looked at him, shocked at his reply; but Morgan continued talking, not noticing.

"When Maeve was killed and you stopped talking to everyone and you wouldn't answer my phone calls…I was worried. And I didn't think you should grieve alone."

"I may have been younger when my dad was killed, but I remember the grief. Being alone just seemed to make it worse."

Reid cleared his throat, trying to keep Morgan's confession from making him break down again. He had never heard so much emotion in his friend's voice, and Morgan never really talked about his dad's death.

"I just plays over and over in my head," Reid said softly, "…her death. My eidetic memory is not my best quality right now. Every moment and every opportunity I could have taken and helped her with her stalker or…or told her I loved her…" Reid choked out.

"I can't make it stop. Why does this keep happening to me, Morgan? Have I really screwed up so bad to deserve having lost all of these people I cared about?" he asked, his eyes growing wet again.

Swiping a hand across his eyes, he continued talking. Morgan stayed silent, just letting him rant, knowing he would be better off getting everything off his chest.

"Why do I keep losing all these people? Who am I going to lose next? My mother? You? J.J?" Reid cried.

"Reid," Morgan said, turning sideways to face him on the couch, "you can't do this to yourself. You didn't do anything to _deserve _this; none of this was your fault. I wish I could tell you why this happened to you but I can't."

"What I can tell you is that you still have this team and your mother, and none of us are going to voluntarily abandon you."

Reid sighed and scrubbed his face of any remaining tears.

"Maybe I should just quit. Danger seems to follow me everywhere. I don't want any of you to get hurt because of me and I'm not doing much good anyways."

Morgan sucked in a breath and thought quickly.

"Reid, someone once told me not to make decisions when you're tired or upset, and you, my friend, are both right now. Now is not the right time for you to be making such an important decision."

When Reid nodded in agreement, Morgan breathed a sigh of relief.

Reid looked over at him, hearing the sigh. "This doesn't mean I'm going to forget, Morgan. I still need to seriously think about this, but like you said, I need sleep and I can't make a decision in this fog I'm in."

With that said, Reid started to get up.

Morgan stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Where are you going?" he asked, concerned.

"To bed" Reid replied simply. Morgan frowned, looking at him. He had never seen Reid look so _unkempt _before.

"Why don't you go take a shower?" Morgan suggested, "It'll probably go a long way to making you feel better."

"Okay" Reid said, moving again to get up off the couch.

Once up, Reid staggered and Morgan quickly reached up and steadied him.

"You alright, kid?" he asked, once again concerned.

Reid nodded. "Just a little dizzy."

Morgan got up from the couch, still keeping one hand on Reid's arm.

"Why don't I walk that way with you? Wouldn't want you tripping over all these books on the floor" he said, attempting to lighten the mood.

Reid didn't catch on and apologized for the mess as they walked down the hallway, Morgan's arm slung around Reid's shoulders, supporting him as they went.

***Hiccup-sob Did you guys like it? I promise Reid won't be broken forever. His friends will help him through *hint hint for upcoming chapters**

**Shoot me a review or a PM if you like it or want to comment! Until next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi Guys! I am SO SOOORRRYY! I did it again. I can't believe that it's been more than a month since I last updated! :-( Please forgive me? I promise this time I will try to keep my updates to every week or 2. Feel free to pester me if I don't! **

**Recap of Ch.6: Reid finally broke down and cried, mourning Maeve. Reid told Morgan that he thought it was his fault that he kept losing everyone. He said he wanted to quit so no one else would get hurt. Morgan convinced him not to make a decision yet. **

**I don't own CM and all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!**

Chapter 7

Reid showered and then went to bed, falling asleep quickly.

Morgan peeked into his room, making sure he was alright before heading back into the living room.

Looking around, he huffed out a breath. "What a mess."

There were books all over the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, and food wrappers and mugs on the coffee table and the floor. It was hard to know where to start.

"Might as well just dig in" Morgan muttered.

He started in the kitchen, washing dishes (_because of course Reid wouldn't have a dishwasher_) and putting them away. He wiped down counters and swept the floor, and was just about to start on the living room when his phone rang.

"Hello?" he asked, distracted.

"How's my boy genius?" Garcia asked, concerned.

"How did you…" he began, but Garcia cut him off. "Hotch told me, he's here too. You're on speaker."

"I don't even know where to start. When I got here, he was passed out on the floor. When he did wake up, we talked and he finally broke down. Hotch, he's sick. He said his headaches have returned and with the passing out and he's been getting dizzy…I'm worried about him."

There was silence on the other end before Hotch spoke. "We just have to do what we can do, Morgan. He has to want help; we can't force it on him."

"You don't understand, Hotch. When I got here, the front door was unlocked, his apartment was a mess, and he was PASSED OUT on the floor. He didn't even wake up for **two hours **after I got here. I was so close to calling an ambulance. If we wait until he _wants _help, we're going to come here one day and find him _dead _on the floor!"

"Morgan," Hotch began, "He's not going to react well if we force him to let us help."

Morgan sat down on the couch and heaved a sigh. "It's not just that, Hotch. There's more."

"He's thinking about quitting the BAU."

Silence again, but this time Garcia broke it.

"What?! No! No. That is not going to happen. I'm going to come over right now and knock some sense into him!"

"Babygirl. Babygirl!" Morgan said, trying to get her attention. Finally he spoke as loud as he dared without waking up Reid. "PENELOPE!"

That seemed to calm her down and she took a deep breath, finally answering Morgan.

"Okay, I'm okay. I'm calm."

"Babygirl, I'm not gonna tell you that Reid doesn't need our help, because he does. But, I don't think now is the right time for everyone to descend on him. It will overwhelm him and he'll react like he did with Hotch."

"We just need to give him time" Hotch added. Morgan went to object, but Hotch cut him off before he could say anything.

"However, _Morgan_, I do not think that he should be alone right now. One of us should stay with him."

"Let me do it, Hotch. He hasn't kicked me out yet. He's calm for now and if I leave and someone else comes in, he might not be as receptive. He…" Morgan paused, hearing something.

Thinking he was just hearing things, he went to speak again, but then he heard it again and he realized it was someone whimpering.

Two seconds later, there were screams that he immediately identified as Reid's.

"NO! Don't kill her! Morgan please help me! MAEVE! Maeve, please, no, don't be dead, please!"

Morgan explained the situation to Hotch and Garcia and hung up, quickly moving toward Reid's bedroom.

As he made his way into the room he could see Reid thrashing around on the bed, sobbing and yelling.

Morgan hurried over to Reid's side of the bed and shook him. "Reid, Reid, it's Morgan, wake up" he said calmly.

When Reid didn't respond, he talked louder, leaning over him. "REID, it's Morgan, WAKE UP. You're dreaming, Reid, WAKE UP."

Reid sat up immediately, breathing heavily.

"It was a nightmare, Reid. It wasn't real. It was just a dream" Morgan said soothingly, sitting down on the side of the bed.

Reid shook his head, still sobbing. "It wasn't just a dream. It was real. Maeve was shot and she's still dead. I can't change it and I…I can't…I can't stop it" he leaned forward and rested his forehead on Morgan's chest.

"I can't stop it Morgan. It's an instant replay. She dies over and over again. She still dies. It never changes." Morgan grabbed Reid into a hug as he cried.

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM CMCMCMMCCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCCMCMCMMC

Once Reid had settled down, he eased back to sit against the headboard of his bed.

Morgan broke the silence, speaking quietly. "Reid, this is normal. Having nightmares of your loved one after they die in front of you is natural. They won't go away until you fully deal with her death, and even then you will have them every so often. I still have dreams of my dad's death sometimes."

Reid scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. Then, catching Morgan completely by surprise, Reid grabbed his pillow and threw it, screaming in frustration.

"AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! WHY WON'T IT STOP?! HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH?!"

He then got up off the bed and started pacing; occasionally growling in frustration.

"I just…I'm so ANGRY! Why did she have to die? What have I done to DESERVE this?!" Reid asked, still pacing.

Morgan interrupted then. "You didn't do _anything _to deserve this, Reid. No one is at fault here but the sick woman that killed Maeve. _This was not your fault_" He said, emphasizing every word.

"_Maeve's death was NOT your fault." _

Reid stopped pacing and just stood there, staring at Morgan. He seemed to actually hear Morgan for the first time and his next words made Morgan believe that Reid would survive this.

"Maeve's death…was not my fault."

**Aww yay! Looks like Spencer is finally seeing the light! Let me know what you think! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the delay, ladies and gents! I promised that I was going to post another chapter in a couple of weeks and it's been three. This story has been giving me a bit of trouble, so I had to get some input from someone who's been helping me with my stories from the beginning. A shout out to Namira, because who knows where I'd be with these stories without you! **

**I don't own CM and all mistakes are my own (especially medical mistakes-I'm no doctor). Enjoy!**

Thomas Merton ch.8

"_Maeve's death…was not my fault." _

After this realization hit Reid, all of the fight went out of him.

Yawning, he climbed back into bed. Rubbing his eyes like a tired child, he settled down to try to go back to sleep.

Morgan turned to leave, but was stopped by Reid's voice.

"Thank you, Morgan," he whispered, closing his eyes, "I always wanted a brother."

Morgan walked out of the room and closed the door halfway, taking a deep breath.

_Every time- _he thought- _The kid gets to me __**Every Time**__._

CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM 

Reid dropped off into sleep easily and began dreaming.

_He opened his eyes and Maeve was there, lying next to him in his bed. _

"_Maeve" he sighed._

"_Spencer" she said, smiling. _

"_I miss you" he began, his smile faltering a little when he began to feel a pressure in his head._

"_I love you Spencer" Maeve said, sitting up. _

"_I love you too Maeve" Spencer said back. He tried to sit up, but found he couldn't. Looking up, he realized that his hands were tied to the headboard. _

"_Maeve?" he asked. He looked back over to where she sat, but Maeve wasn't there anymore. _

_Diane __**was**__. _

"_Maeve's not here, Spencer. Remember? But it's okay. I'm here and I love you."_

_When Reid didn't answer, a hammer appeared in her hand. "Don't you love me, Spencer?"_

_Reid shook his head. "No. I love Maeve!"_

_This set Diane off and she hit him over the head with the hammer. "Why don't you love me?!" she yelled._

_Diane changed to Maeve and she yelled "Why didn't you save me?!" hitting him over the head as well. _

_This happened over and over, Diane to Maeve to Diane again; all the while, the pain in Reid's head growing so unbearable that he couldn't stand it. _

Reid groaned. His head truly felt like someone had hit him over the head with a hammer.

He tried to sit up, but the room spun.

Gripping the nightstand, Reid slowly pulled himself off the bed…and fell with a _**thump**_ to the floor.

Reid slowly crawled back over to the bed and swayed as he tried to stand.

He eventually made it to a standing position and grabbed the wall, making his way down the hallway to the bathroom, inch by excruciating inch.

He got halfway to the bathroom before he collapsed to the floor.

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Morgan jolted awake from a troubled sleep on the couch.

Something was wrong.

Sitting up, Morgan grabbed his gun from where it lay on the floor and swept the living room and the kitchen before heading toward the hallway.

He spotted Reid instantly and, holstering his gun, moved quickly toward him.

"Reid?" he asked, leaning over his friend.

Reid moaned in response.

"Reid, what's wrong?" he asked, growing more concerned by the minute.

Reid whimpered and tried to speak several times before managing to get out one word.

"Headache…" he cried softly.

"Headache?" Morgan asked incredulously, "_This_ _bad_?"

Reid nodded and cried out in pain before forcing out another word. "_Migraine_."

"What can I do to help?" Morgan asked, frantically, "Do you need to go to the hospital?"

Reid gingerly shook his head and whispered. "Won't- be-able –todoanything."

"Okay, what do you need me to do?"

Reid took a deep breath. "Bathroom- medicine cabinet- bottles-magnesium…and- B2, get- 2 clean needles- and 2 cotton swabs" he said, wincing at the pain speaking had caused.

Morgan looked confused but didn't question Reid and went to get what he asked for.

Reid closed his eyes and waited.

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A few minutes later, Morgan reappeared next to Reid.

"Reid, I've got everything you asked for."

Reid nodded slightly, sitting up. He leaned up against the wall, breathing heavily, and held out his hand.

"I need the-magnesium- first. Open one of the packages-and get a-clean syringe. Draw up-0.5ml of the magnesium."

Morgan did what he said and hesitated before handing Reid the syringe.

"Don't-worry Morgan. I know-what I'm doing" Reid said, and pulling up his shirt, he pinched what little skin he had on his stomach and plunged the needle in, injecting the liquid.

Once done, he immediately grabbed a cotton swab and held it over the injection site.

He then had Morgan repeat the process with the B2 and he, again, pinched the skin on his stomach, injected the liquid, and held a cotton swab over the site afterward.

Morgan immediately went and disposed of both needles in a sharps container Reid had underneath the sink in his bathroom.

Reid heard water running before he came back.

Morgan sank down next to Reid on the floor and handed him a cold wash cloth.

"Thank you" Reid whispered carefully, holding the cloth to his head.

The cold brought a little relief and Reid sighed, closing his eyes.

"Reid, what was all that?" Morgan asked hesitantly.

"The Magnesium—and the- B2 is what…Maeve- told me to use for my-migraines."

"I haven't needed them in months…but since—" Reid swallowed. "I just hope they—work this time."

They spent thirty minutes in silence until Reid spoke up. "I need- to sleep" he whispered, struggling to his feet.

When he stumbled, Morgan caught him and helped him walk toward his bedroom.

Reid lay down and Morgan placed the cold cloth on his forehead. He made sure the blinds were closed and covered him up with his blankets.

"Sleep well Reid" Morgan said, and hesitating by the door, did something he hadn't done in a _very _long time.

He looked up to the ceiling, closed his eyes, and said a prayer.

**Not a happy ending for Reid yet. First Maeve's death and now migraines; what's going to happen to Reid next? *EVIL LAUGH you'll just have to wait and see :-D **

**Review and let me know what ya think!**


	9. Chapter 9

**SO SORRY! Life got busy and now it's been a month since I last updated!**

**RECAP-CH.8: Reid had a bad migraine and Morgan tries to help him.**

**I don't own CM and all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!**

Thomas Merton Chapter 9

Morgan was dozing on the couch, keeping an ear out for Reid, when his phone buzzed.

"Hello" he said, yawning.

"_Honey bun, you sound awful!" _Garcia exclaimed.

"Baby? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?" Morgan asked, confused.

Garcia hesitated on the other line before answering. _"Sweetie…its 8 o'clock in the morning"_ she said, trailing off.

Morgan looked up at Reid's clock hanging on the wall and realized that she was right.

"Huh. When did that happen?" he asked himself.

"_What's going on Derek?" _Garcia asked, sounding concerned.

"Nothing, babygirl. Reid just had a nightmare and then a little bit of a headache. That's all" he said, stretching the truth a little bit.

"_Honey, do you need someone to come and take over for a little while?" _she asked.

Morgan rubbed his hand over his head and sighed.

"No, that's okay babygirl. I'll be alright."

"_Okay…if you're sure…"_

"Bye mama" he said, grinning.

"_Bye my hunk of burnin' love" _she said, getting a laugh out of Morgan before they hung up.

The smile did not last long because he heard Reid moan.

Morgan was up off the couch and down the hallway in a split second. He slowed down when he got to Reid's room, pushing the door open.

"Reid?" he whispered, "You okay?"

Reid rolled over to face him and shook his head.

"The vitamin shots didn't work" he whimpered.

Morgan sighed. "Reid, we need to get you to the hospital."

Reid shook his head again. "It won't do any good."

"How do you know if you won't go?" Morgan asked.

"Been once before…had MRI. Doctor- said nothing wrong- said…thought symptoms were psychosomatic."

Morgan nodded in understanding.

"…I'm- not crazy" Reid continued emphatically.

"I know, Reid. I know you're not crazy, but you can't go on like this. You can barely move and I can just bet you are dehydrated. We _need _to get you checked out" Morgan replied.

Reid finally conceded. "Okay" he whispered.

Reid had on a t-shirt and sweatpants, so he just slipped on some house slippers and was ready to go.

Morgan put his own shoes back on and then they left, with Reid barely able to walk on his own two feet (Morgan had to almost carry Reid down the stairs of his apartment building- the elevator was broken).

He drove to the emergency room as Reid kept his eyes shut, trying to block out the sun.

Morgan got Reid checked in and they took a seat in the waiting room.

Minutes turned into an hour, an hour into two hours, as they sat in the hard, plastic chairs, Reid leaning his head on Morgan's shoulder.

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Two hours, thirty minutes and 15 seconds after they had checked in, Reid's name was finally called.

Morgan shook him awake and then guided him into the exam room.

The nurse that led them into the room put Reid on an IV because he was, in fact, dehydrated, and they settled in to wait.

A doctor walked in a few minutes later, earlier than they were expecting.

"What seems to be the problem…" he glanced down at the paperwork, "…Dr. Reid?"

Morgan and Reid explained Reid's migraines and the doctor ordered an MRI based on that information.

Reid was quickly put at the head of the line (Morgan may or may not have flashed his FBI badge) and taken in for the scan.

Morgan was told to stay in the room while they took Reid down for the scan and he took the time to call Garcia while he waited.

Before she answered, he braced himself for her reaction when he told her the truth.

**Okay…I think I'm going to end the chapter here. It seems like a good stopping point. So…reviews please? :-)**


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